


Be Honest With Me

by WizardPartyForever



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Episode 25, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, emotional smut, sex but not a smut-central fic tbh, when no one in this godforsaken fandom writes bottom!L so u gotta do it on ur damn own
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-05-07 07:56:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14666706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WizardPartyForever/pseuds/WizardPartyForever
Summary: “As Kira, perhaps I shouldn’t be telling you this but… I don’t want to die.”





	Be Honest With Me

**Author's Note:**

> Me, draped across a grand piano in an elegant ballgown after over a year of posting nothing: fear not, children. I have returned.

“As Kira, perhaps I shouldn’t be telling you this but… I don’t want to die,” L says softly, staring up at the ceiling. It’s somewhat disheartening to see L cry - not that he would admit it, of course, and L has the lovely cover story of having been in the rain, so Light has no proof that L had been crying, but of course he could tell - it makes Light’s victory less satisfactory. He had wanted to win against an L who was giving his all, not an L that had given up. Well, he supposes, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. A victory is a victory.

“Why wouldn’t you tell me that, Ryuzaki? Nobody wants to die. And you won’t! We’ll get through this together!”

L lays on his back on their bed - they haven’t bothered transitioning to separate rooms yet, considering the rarity with which L uses it - staring at the ceiling. He turns to face Light, who is changing into dry clothes, eyes tired and rimmed with red (evidence of him crying). He doesn’t say anything, just stares until Light stops fiddling with the cuffs of his dress shirt and stares back.

“What is it, Ryuzaki?”

“I think I need to talk to Watari,” Ryuzaki says, and drags himself off the bed and out of the room. Light shugs, feeling vaguely uncomfortable, and continues getting dressed.

When Ryuzaki comes back, he doesn’t seem any happier than before. “I’m going to… sleep, I think,” he announces.

“Okay,” Light replies offhandedly. “I’m done here anyway. As he gathers his things to go down to the workroom, L gets under the covers and turns on his side, away from Light. With just the back of his head poking out from above the covers, he looks small, and Light feels his heart constricting at the thought that Rem could kill him at any time - even now. Shaken, he reminds himself to tell Rem that under no circumstances is she to kill L in his sleep. Light can’t stand the thought of it - of it happening quietly, where no one, not even he would see it. He wants to be there when it happens. He doesn’t know if that’s out of some sadistic desire to watch his best friend die or to be there for - emotional support? Maybe it’s both.

“Please turn the light off on your way out,” L mumbles suddenly.

Light nods, unseen by L, but instead of continuing and walking out the door when he reaches the lightswitch he spins on his heel and drops his things on the desk and makes his way to the bed.

It’s late, he thinks. It’s not like he would be getting that much “work” done, and he should start fixing his sleep schedule.

L tenses when he wiggles under the covers, even more so when Light throws an arm around him and pulls L to his chest. It’s half habit, as their days chained together had inevitably led so some closeness at night, and half because Light is feeling a pressure behind his eyes that he refuses to identify but he thinks might go away as long as he keeps L close to him. He buries his nose into L’s hair, and somewhere in the back of his mind he feels satisfaction at having successfully ingrained the habit of hair washing into L, as his hair is soft and clean.

He holds onto L for dear life until he thinks he must have dozed off, although he hadn’t been expecting to actually fall asleep. L is clearly still awake when he wakes up again. Light can tell from his tenseness and breathing, a skill he had acquired after months of constant contact. He’s still not quite tuned in enough to L, however, to predict when the man turns around in his hold and throws himself at Light.

Light finds himself in a tangle of arms and elbows and L, who has his head down and tucked into Light’s chest so that Light can’t see his face. He realizes L is cuddling him and - well, that’s new. But it’s nice, even if his arm is crushed a little bit beneath him and he doesn’t think he can fall asleep right now.

“Ryuzaki, are you alright?” He asks, and isn’t that a stupid question, because they both know that Light has won, even if L doesn’t know how, so of course he isn’t alright.

“No, not really. I don’t know where to go from here. I’m afraid that no matter what I do, any course of action will result in my death,” L says. Light raises his eyebrows. Perhaps this is what L meant when he had said that he shouldn’t be telling Light that he didn’t want to die. It does make him seem more… vulnerable. The pressure behind Light’s eyes from before seems to be returning.

He brings his free hand up to tangle in L’s hair. When they had been chained together, he had often wanted to brush it after they showered, but never dared to ask permission. With properly brushed hair, he’s sure L would look lovely. L sighs and seems to relax a little at Light’s touches, though he still carries the air of being on the very verge of a breakdown - and, considering his strange behavior today, maybe he is.

Light startles when he feels a light tickling against his collarbone, exposed by his shirt, and looks down to see it’s… L? Kissing him. Hmm.

L looks up at him, eyes redder than before. He says nothing, but it seems like he is pleading with his eyes for Light to allow him to continue, and Light… does. L throws himself into nibbling at Light’s neck, limbs still gripping Light in a vice, and Light sinks into the feeling. At one point he surprises himself by taking more than a passive role and dragging L up by the hair for a kiss, which L accepts enthusiastically. L repositions himself to throw his arms around Light’s neck and takes Light by surprise with his enthusiasm when he crawls on top of Light to straddle him.

Light pushes him back gently for a moment, and L sits up on top of him. There are no bruises or wounds on him, but he looks beat up. Light doesn’t know what he wants - answers, maybe? - but won’t continue until he gets it. Instead, L chokes out, “I don’t want to die,” and hangs his head so that Light can no longer look him in the eye.

“You won’t,” Light assures him, the lie sour in his mouth, and he sits up to embrace L. L buries his face into the crook of Light’s neck, and Light tries to convince himself that the moisture he feels there is just L’s mouth, although the periodic shudder that takes L’s body gives him away.

To distract himself from the sudden guilt he’s feeling, he sneaks a hand under L’s shirt to feel the skin there. He’s surprised to find a bit of pudge on L’s sides; he’s so thin, and Light had seen him naked before, but as it turns out he's not all skin and bones. It’s easy to maneuver L onto his back so that Light can pull up his shirt further and press a kiss to where he had been exploring. Despite the bit of pudge, L’s hip still stands out frighteningly prominent.

Well, he’ll be dead soon anyway, Light thinks. There’s no use worrying about his health now.

“You’re a murderer,” he hears in a choked voice from above him, and looks up to see L hiding his face in his arms.

He’s long given up denying it - even without his memories it had grown tiring, constantly exclaiming, “I’m not Kira!” at every accusation, so, at risk of upping L’s suspicion, he’s begun a game of sorts of going along with it whenever L insists on accusing him.

“Hmm, well, they do call orgasm the ‘little death’... Is that what you want, Ryuzaki?”

Instead of laughing, like he might normally, L’s chest heaves in a visible sob.

Light frowns and crawls up to meet L at eye level and prys his arms away from his face. L’s face is red and blotchy and he lets out a shaky breath when he and Light lock eyes. Light swoops forward to capture L's lips again, if only so he doesn't have to look into L's teary eyes any longer than he has to. L’s hands come up to tangle in Light's shirt and he kisses back harder than, even in his fervid state, Light would have expected of him.

“Light, be honest with me,” L mumbles against his lips.

Light swallows, knowing that he won't. “Okay.”

“Are you Kira?”

Light has denied it time and time again, so much that the response jumps to his lips without thinking about it -  _ no, of course not, Ryuzaki  _ \- but he can't do it this time. Maybe it's because L has asked him, rather than accused, but more likely, it's L’s emotional state. Whatever it is, he doesn't answer. He averts his gaze and ducks back down to work unbuttoning L’s jeans.

L is not yet hard, and Light wonders if he really wants this. It feels wrong, as though he is taking advantage, but after a moment, Light feels thighs clamp around his head, and the message is clear.

Light gets to work. L is moaning - or, at least, he hopes that's what it is, and not sobbing - and soon his hips are lifting off the mattress to push further into Light's mouth. Light is happy to oblige, thankful for L’s increased enthusiasm, and takes him entirely into his mouth.

“Oh,” L sighs softly, and then, to Light's bewilderment, reaches down to take hold of his hand. “Yes, please Light.”

Light squeezes his hand in an effort to give L some kind of reassurance, and L in turn threads a hand through Light's hair, pulling him closer. L is completely hard now in Light's mouth, but not uncomfortably big. Light takes him down to the base and hums, making L groan, and bobs gently.

“Mm… faster, please Light.”

Light pulls up. “I'd rather you say that to something else I were doing,” he mumbles, before swirling his tongue around the tip of L’s cock.

L gasps, arching off the bed a bit and spreading his legs invitingly. Instead, Light lets his lips travel down the length of L’s cock and over his balls, and pulls down L’s jeans. By the time he reaches his perineum, a tube of lubrication is being shoved into his hand.

“Please,” he breathes, and Light notes how much he has said that word today.

“What do you need?” Light coaxes, unhooking the pants from around L’s ankles.

“I need-” L’s breath hitches as Light touches his hole with one finger. “I - I don't know.”

He looks near tears again, and Light doesn't want that. “Shh, it's fine. I'll take care of you, Ryuzaki.”

L gives him a watery glare, even as Light is stretching him out with one finger. “Because you're so trustworthy.”

Light shushes him. L seems to be too worn out to be tense, and wiggling in a second finger is easy. He scissors his fingers, pushing, pulling, and twisting, until he finds L’s sweet spot. “There?” He asks. L nods, and he massages the spot. L moans gently, and Light takes the opportunity to get in a third finger. He spreads the three of them as wide as he can. L’s hips rock up off the bed, and Light takes that to mean that he is ready.

Light lines himself up and pushes in. L’s expression gives no indication of discomfort, although he doesn’t seem to be experiencing pleasure either. As he begins to move, Light asks, “Is this good?”

L hooks his ankles around Light’s waist, changing the angle, and nods with a tired sigh. “Yes - faster.”

Light establishes a steady pace, and L lets loose a moan. “There.” With L’s legs holding him in place, Light hits the same spot every time, and soon L makes a grab for his hand, gripping it tightly. It’s unnerving, how he maintains such eye contact, but Light refuses to break it, even as his approaching orgasm makes it hard to see.

“Light.”

“Huh?”

“I love you,” L says blankly - and how can he just say that so nonchalantly? Yet L’s eyes are still rimmed red from his crying earlier, and his grasp on Light’s hand tightens, as L becomes tense - perhaps from nearing completion, or perhaps from the emotional strife - Light can’t tell. Instead of responding - because what is he supposed to say to that? - he reaches down to grasp L’s cock, who comes after a few jerky movements.

Light follows soon after, although the feeling is dulled by his bewilderment at L’s confession. Was this what this was all about? Elated, he begins to think of how he could use this, plans of emotional manipulation already forming in his head - but L is still looking at him curiously, sprawled beneath him in a post-orgasm haze.

“Ryuzaki? Are you okay?”

“I’m wonderful,” he says dully.

L’s chest is covered in sticky fluid, and Light thinks that perhaps they should shower. Instead, he gets up and goes to the bathroom, returning with a damp towel. L is still laying there, eyes drooping with exhaustion. Light cleans them up and tosses the towel in the hamper, feeling numb in wake of everything that had just happened.

“L.”

“Hmm?”

“What did you say a second ago?”

“You know what I said, Light.”

“Say it again.”

L turns his head to glare at him, before turning on his side away from him. “Goodnight, Light.”

Light stands there, not knowing what to do. Now that things have cooled down and he’s not thinking with his dick, he feels the urge to cry again. He finds it silly that just the sight of L’s black hair peeking out from under the covers evokes such strong feelings in him, but the thought of him dying makes Light nauseous. He has to do something - come up with a plan. For now, he crawls over to L’s side of the bed to lean over the man’s hunched up form.

“Go away, Light,” L croaks.

Instead Light leans over to press a kiss to L’s frown. “You’re not going to die, L,” he whispers. “You know that, right?”

“No.”

Light knows this is a time sensitive issue, and that he needs to get a move on, but he takes the time to pepper L’s face with kisses. “I promise, okay?”

“Fine,” L sighs, curling up tighter. Light can tell he doesn’t believe him, but that’s alright - Light will prove it. He gets out of the bed and starts getting dressed.

“I’ll be back soon. I have to do something.”

“Okay.”

“L.”

L looks at him.

“I love you too.”

L smiles, just a little bit.


End file.
